Thoughts

Michael.


Charming, cute, smart, appealing, most girls in school would want to date him,... a douche bag, Mr. Too much love for himself. That's how I knew him when we were in the 7th Grade. 


I didn't like him at first, until we were seatmates during the 8th Grade. 


When I knew that we were going to be seatmates, I was like "OMG, am I going to get along with this douche?"


At first, it was awkward. But as the days passed by we were already getting to know each other better. It was just a snap when we clicked. It was just in an instant. It was magic. and before I knew it we were close friends. 


We exchanged numbers. We would text everyday after class or even chat at Facebook.


That's when I realized that he's not a douche bag after all. Instead, he is a sweet guy with a loving heart.


He would tell me about his crushes or past loves and as I listen to him I can feel that he is really faithful and dedicated although he has a lot of past relationships.


Month after month we became closer and closer.We would consistently text each other everyday. Talk about our wild imaginations and almost everything. Our conversations wouldn't end unless we both forget and close our eyes.


He became sweet to me. He says sweet words and I catch myself smiling every time I read or listen to them. And when we talk, I can't look straight to his eyes and then I realized that I already love him. 


I didn't tell him. i was afraid, like any other girl out there. I kept it inside specially that I know that he was in love with someone else. Every time he tells me about his day with his crush or how he feels about her, I feel the pain inside me. I feel like something inside me is bleeding. Sometimes, it even makes me cry.


One day, we texted, as always. I told him:


Me: Don't be too sweet to me, or else, I might have a crush on you.


It was a joke. a joke that was half meant. 


Michael: Aww. Don't worry. It's okay for you to have a crush on me. It's only a crush, right?


After I read that, I literally screamed. i didn't expect that. It's okay for him. I never knew he would actually react like that. he's different from the other guys that I had a crush one.


after a week or two we chatted. He brought up a topic about his crush. It was annoying me. I was hurting. I told him that he was numb. 


Me: Why are people so numb?
Michael: Like who?
Me: Like you.
Michael: Me? When did I become NUMB?!
Me: I don't know. You're just numb. You can't feel anything.
Michael: Why?
Me:...
Michael: What do you want? For us to be together? Are you in love with me Claire?
Me: No!
Michael: Then why are you acting that way?


I didn't reply to him. On that moment, I was mad at myself for being so crazy. I was drawn to my emotions. I didn't control myself. That was the most foolish thing I have ever done in my life.

On the following day, my best friend PMed me. She knows I have a crush on Michael.

Alex: Michael said you had a fight with him? 
Me: What? We fought? 
Alex: That's what he said.
Me: Hahaha. I didn't mean what I said. He's too serious.
Alex: What did you say? 
Me: That he's numb.
Alex: What?! 
Me: I know, I was carried away.is he really mad? 
Alex: I think so. Well, I don't know.  Ask him. 
Me: Okay. 
Then I PMed him. I was shaking. 
I was nervous what if he won't reply. 

Me: Hi
Michael: Hi
Me: Alex told me that you told her we fought? 
Michael: Yeah
Me: Are you mad? 
Michael: Yes. 
Me: Why? I was just joking! 
Michael: Why am I numb? 
Me: I was just joking! 

Then that was the end. We didn't talk to each other at school during the next day. I guess he was really serious about what I said. I can't stand it. I can't stand not talking to him so I approached him and said sorry. He accepted it. "Do you have a crush on me?" he asked me. It was awkward. We were aitting side by side and he was looking at me. I looked at him  in the eyes but immediately looked down because I can't stand it. I can't handle his stair. "Don't be this way Claire, our friendship will be lost."

I was shocked. I was shocked when I heard that. Why will our friendship be lost? I thought he said it's okay for me to have a crush on him. I thought he could accept me. I thought he was different from the other guys but I guess I was wrong. I was wrong about everything I thought he was. I was mad at him. I was mad at myself. I can't believe that I was so foolish to believe in him.

"No. I don't." I answered him sadly.

After that, our closeness faded. We didn't text again. At school when we would see each other, we wouldn't talk and as if we don't know each other. 

Everything was left like that. 

A year after, my other bestfriend, Megan, told me about what Michael told her. She knew that I had a crush on Michael before so she asked him if did he ever had a crush on somebody chubby, like me. She didn't mention my name. He answered "Yes, I have." 
"Do I know her?" Megan asked "Yes you do. Very much. She's charming. I know that she has a crush on me, but I was inlove with someone else and I realize that the one that I was inlove with was not the right girl. Claire was."

After Megan told me that, my heart sank. But it was too late. Everything was gone. It's too late to bring back everything that happened and was before. 
Too bad we can't turn back time.

                                                                                                                                -Damsel, Jaenni :'>